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First posted April 17, 2008

I’ve been reading more from The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Travel.  If seems as if one can get into an incredible amount of trouble with the people encountered while traveling. It does not seem implausible that one can be in the wrong place at the wrong time and end up in the midst of a riot.  There’s so many of them going on around the world these days.

So here I am peacefully walking through Tiananmen Square and the students decide to riot again.  How am I going to get out of this mess?  Advice for this is “Plan to leave the country quickly.”  I would like to, but how do I get out of the middle of this riot so that I can leave the country?  I’m getting advice here that assumes I’m in my hotel room rather than in the midst of this riot.  I’m being told to wear muted tones.  Well too late.  Spring’s in the air so I decided to wear my Hawaiian shirt out on my stroll through the square.  I’m advised to exit through windows, vents, the roof or where ever I can to avoid the mobs and gunfire.  Hello!  I’m in the middle of the mob and here come the military with their guns and other weapons that could injure me big time!  Also, I should leave as a group.  How does a solitary tourist morph into a group?  How about this next tidbit? Do not run as walking is harder for the eye to detect. Also, running may generate excitement.  I don’t think there can be any more excitement generated among this mob.  They’re already at fever pitch and running around like crazy.  I’m not sure I can walk.  I want to run.  The adrenalin is already running high, and besides, I now need to find a bathroom or I’m going to pee my pants.  That’s called FEAR!

This book tells me if I need to travel by car that I should be prepared for evasive maneuvers.  I also know what to do now if my car is hit by a Molotov cocktail.  Well, I’m not in a car. I’m still on foot here in this square which I now wish I had decided not to visit.  What if one of those cocktails hits my body instead of the car I wish I had at the  moment?  I think I may need a good strong cocktail to drink right now, but no one seems interested enough to hand me one in all this bedlam.  “Get to an embassy or to the airport as soon as possible.”  I wish I could.  GET ME OUT OF THIS MOB!  Oh, Shit!  Now some of them have grabbed me and have decided to hold me hostage.

That’s okay.  The next section is about how to survive a hostage situation.  I wonder if they’ll let me use the bathroom?  First piece of advice – stay calm.  Okay, okay.  I’m calm now.  This book also reminds me that hostage takers are extremely nervous and scared.  More than me?  If shots are fired I’m supposed to keep my head down and drop to the floor.  No problem there.  That gun is pointed at me.  I think I will drop without any effort on my part.  No sudden or suspicious moves such as trying to hide your wallet, passport or belongings.  They already have my wallet, passport and contents of my backpack (which has already been tossed out the window of a speeding car).  Comply with all demands.  No problem there.  Never look at a terrorist directly.  They’re terrorists? I thought they were angry, crazed students.  The blindfold takes care of this.  “Carefully observe the characteristics and behavior of the terrorists.”  I just told you I have a blindfold on!  Be more observant here.  “If a rescue team enters, get down and stay still.”  How am I going to know if the people storming through the door are part of a rescue team?  I still have that scratchy blindfold on.  Does this mean I don’t get to go to the bathroom yet?

I’m skipping the section on how to pass a bribe.  These people already took everything I own.  Same goes for how to foil a scam artist.  I no longer have anything to scam.

Okay, the rescue squad is through the door and apparently the terrorists are dead or vaporized.  Someone’s removing my blindfold.  Holey, Moley!  I’ve been rescued by aliens who want to abduct me.  No problem.  What does my handy, dandy little book tell me about how to get out of this one?  “Do not panic.”  Don’t worry.  Fear has me paralysed.  “Control your thoughts.”  Is this some kind of cruel joke?  My thoughts are controlling me.  There’s only one thought running through my mind right now.  Enquiring minds want to know.  Are you sure you want to know what that one thought is?  You asked for it.  “Now I’ve really got to pee!”  Then I’m supposed to resist verbally.  How about this?  “I will not go with you unless you let me go to the bathroom first.”  Next thing on the list is to resist mentally by putting myself in a protective shield of white light or a safe place.  I’m going to my safe place, my sunny island with all the gentle breezes.  Next I’m told to resist physically.  I don’t have to.  I just peed my pants and ET’s leaving in disgust.

Tags: aliens, cocktails, hostage, mobs, Molotov, riots, survival, terrorists, Tiananmen Square, tourist, travel, weapons, worst case scenario
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