Surviving Widowhood
October 17th, 2008. Filed under: Finance & Fitness Fridays.This is the first of the flybaby guest articles that I told you about in Flybabies Write! This was written by Vickie H who presents some of the challenges of the first year of widowhood. I’m proud of her accomplishments and thankful to call her a friend.
When my husband died 10 June, 2007, I went into robot mode. I knew I had to make phone calls and plan a funeral. This was the easy part. The funeral showing was not my best. I was there from opening to closing. but could not handle standing or staying in the showing room. My DMIL and DS are the ones that met people. People who came for me had to search me out. The people my husband worked with came early the last day of the showing since they came straight from work. I was not able to even walk over to the group, I actually ran away from the situation, This is the one thing I wish I could go back and handle differently.
I still was in robot mode when the funeral was over. I knew I had to handle the estate and the financial paper work. I had no Idea where we were financially or what all the bills consisted of. My husband’s filing was in the cars and in boxes, so I had to locate the paper work. It was a very stressful time for me. The first time I met the lawyer, I felt like I was dirt. The lawyer made me wonder how a 50+ woman could be so clueless? I had been a stay at home mother since 1992, but I had also been in the military for almost 16 years. For some reason when the lawyer found out that I had been in the air force, his attitude totally changed. I know that I was not prepared for the lawyer, but I had no idea of what was to come. We were buying the farm, but the loan and the paper work was in my husband’s name only. Since I was not working at the time, so I could not take the loan out in my name. I knew that the farm was worth twice as much as we owed. It was bought from his dad and had been in the family over 100 years. We took a mortgage out to remodel the house to livable condition. I still have the mortgage, but my daughter can live here until she graduates.
I try to block out memories of when we did things or how we did them whether good or bad. There are times things pop up involuntarily. At the Christmas recital, the high school students. which included my daughter, played songs that my children played in fifth grade for their first Christmas recital. They were not very good in the fifth grade. but they only had their instruments for 2 months at the time of that recital. I automatically turned to my left and started to say, “Did you ever think they would sound so good” but he wasn’t there, I started to cry.
I miss not having him here to help me make decisions. I go into robot mode a lot. It is hard not having him to talk to about what the children are doing. The hardest thing is his not being here to share the joys that the children have brought, Joys which include marriage and senior night honoring the band players and parents. The list goes on. I try to go to the grandchildren’s (step) events. My husband is not there to experience the joy I see in their faces; joy just because I am there.
The only thing that pulls me through is knowing God does not give us anything we can’t handle. I forgot that for a couple of months and went into a deep depression. I was so worried about getting a job and not being able to take off when my family needed me. I know that I will eventually go to work, but my daughter comes first. DH provided enough for us until she graduates. With the way the work environment is for new employees, not being able to miss for anything the first 3 months, I just couldn’t do that. She has had two surgeries, 2 accidents and school activities I just couldn’t miss these. God has stepped in everyday. as long as I allow him, to get me through the ups and downs. Asking for God’s guidance everyday and knowing my husband is also watching, allows me to continue.